Her Daughter's Cutting - A Cry for Help

In my discussion with April Larson, she opens up about a time in her daughter's life when she was cutting herself.  She tells, in detail, the horror of finding out and the pain of not knowing how to help her.  She decided to not react on her emotions and take the matter to God.  When she did, the miraculous events that unfolded helped in all of their healing.  Today, Audrey is a beautiful and healthy college student.  She hopes to help others in telling her story.

Transcript

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Welcome to chatterbox radio. My name is Carrie. Today I'll be talking with April Larsen. She's not just a beautiful friend. She's a wife, a mom of four and esthetician. She's even ran for a political office in her hometown of Boise, Idaho. But most of all, she has an unwavering faith unlike I've ever seen before. She opens up about mental illness and the struggle that they've had within their family. She goes into detail about a story that she's never shared, she had found out from another mom that her middle school daughter was cutting herself and posting it on social media. You can imagine the horror of it all. But a lesson for all of us to learn from this story, even if it doesn't exactly pertain to you is how she handled it. She decided instead of having her emotions take over, she gave it to God, and how it turned out was better than she could have ever imagined. I mean, it's been a multiple things I would say. It's that the boys Connors gone through it to Congress gone through depression, he's gone through suicidal thoughts, nothing to the degree of what you experience with miles. But the girl is, I would say probably the one that was the, you know, the one that you're referring to was back when my older daughter Audrey was in seventh grade, we just moved from Texas, we just moved back here. She went to school and started to show signs of changing. I don't know how to kind of just changing everything, not just changing things like hobbies, but like, she cut her hair all off. And she started showing a personality difference. She was severing the was it normal? Totally. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, we kept checking in with her. And she kept saying, you know, it's fine. Things are fine, right? Well, one of her school friends mom who I didn't know, reached out to me, somebody who was an unbeliever. So it was a little hard to even. Yeah, she well, she Yes. Because it was like, dang, she basically said, you know, I'm gonna have to limit my daughter's association with Audrey. And I was like, Okay, why? And she goes, Do you not know what's going on? And I said, Well, I know Audrey has been struggling, you know, well come to find out. And I've never been big on Instagram and on all those social media things like, the Lord told me a long time ago, it's not healthy for me. So Audrey had an Instagram account. And she was videotaping herself cutting herself. And I didn't know she was videotaping it. I know. I know. So I mean, yeah, this the sheer shock of it. So first, I'm dealing with the reality of like, okay, I've just been told by this mob that like my kids, not good association. You know, and then I'm also finding out things about my daughter, I don't even know. And that's embarrassing. So one of the things we had said to her to talk to both Christian and her, because, you know, they were at Dripping Springs Christian Academy, before, we like, we never put them in public school in Texas. And prior to that, they were so young, they were an elementary school. So they begged to be put back in public school when we moved to Boise. And my condition was, yes, as long as you can maintain who you are. Like, if if I start saying, influence that is, and you lose yourself. And you're, well, clearly that was what was going on. And so, you know, My instant reaction was to yank her out of school, and like, shove her back inside of my body. You know what I mean? Like, clearly, you're not ready to survive in the world, if we're going to need to take back control, and we're just going to have to start over like we're gonna have to do do over at this point, you know, oh, I'll never forget, you know, taking a walk with the dogs on a trail I did, and talking to screaming at God and telling them I'm gonna do all these things and what we're, you know, I'm telling them, you know, like, I'm gonna do this, and we're yanking her out of school. And, you know, she's just, you know, clearly not ready to do life God and done it. And I mean, clear as day I heard him, say, You're not her savior. And then I was like, Well, I mean, I know. But you know, you put Be in charge of her. And so, you know, clearly I need to like take control, I need to get back control. And then he said, I'll never honor a decision that's based on fear. And clearly you're afraid right now like you're, you're, you're you're being you're making decisions and you're working from a place of fear, and I won't go there with you. And that was like, so frustrating Carrie, because I, I wanted to do the things that I really felt like were the right things to do, and looking back, and also, like, well, looking back, but then knowing what I know, now, I'm like, I'm so glad I didn't pull her out. Because we pull ourselves out of life like, right, like, as adults, we gotta, we can't just, we can't just pull her stop living life or be like, Well, I'm quitting that job. I guess I'll start another one. Or it's, it's fear. It's fear motivated. So it's like it, especially for parents. But I mean, I think also, you know, what we're teaching our children is that I don't trust that, that God has got you enough to let you stay in the situation and then teach you something through it. So I'm going to intervene. Now, like that's not to say that if if the Lord prompted both micronized hearts in a very sick, like a very non fear based way, and it was like, yeah, she's not ready to be in school yet, like you should, you know, we've felt that and you and I both know what that piece of Christ feels like, we know what the that then of course I would do, we're going to control and you were like, I'm out of here. Let's take her. So what kind of advice would you give someone that's dealing with something like that with their daughter, the Lord wants to do it, he wants you to trust him with your children. He wants you to work from a place of trust, and love and rest in Him. And we want we're so far we want we're so far ahead of him. And I mean, I would say that to anybody. I don't care how panicky the situation seems, the Lord wants you to rest in Him, so that you can work from a better place than where you're at right now. It goes back to like when our kids were little and whether you believed in spankings or not, it doesn't matter. It's irrelevant. But but you're never going to be a good disciplinarian. If every time you you're if you operate from that place of anger, and you know, whatever your kid did, I remember I would go always, and put myself on timeout for five minutes first, before I ever reacted to my child, because I always knew it's it, they're gonna see me in a place. And I'm even working from a place of anger. And I don't want them to see that I want them to see it from a place of mercy and love in that. So I feel like that's God's heart with us. He's going, don't just hold on, you know, take take a break, take a second. And let's talk about this. Like, let's really, you know, so one of the first things because then I said to him, like, what do I do God? And he and he said, I don't want you to pull her out. And I'm like, okay, then what? You know, now we did put hard, we did put hard lines on her. So she was not allowed. Obviously, we canceled her Instagram account, like have access to that stuff anymore. We monitored her a lot because we were obviously for her. Well, her health. I mean, we were worried about her. So she you know, she was allowed to like it all. We did. It was I mean, this whole thing, Carrie, and I know you I've shared it with you before it happens so fast. She did go we did go to a counselor. And I think she did go see somebody for a little bit. There's not a lot of counselors here in Boise, especially ones that work with youth, which is just weird. So, you know, we really just started to pray with her pray over her speaking to her, remind her who she is like, you are beautiful. You are a child of God. Like all those things we tried to encourage her in. And one of the very first immediate things that God asked me to do, which I thought was really cool is he said, I want you to go buy a bouquet of flowers. And I want you to take them to art school. And I'm going to I'm going to I want you to write a note to her and I want it to be for me. And I want you to just write everything you hear. And I have to ask her if she I'm sure she still has the note. But it was just you that idea just came to you. Yeah, that is amazing. That's beautiful. I love that so, so crazy. It is so creative. And I think it's I think it's knowing him and his character today, even compared to then it just makes me giggle because I'm like God you are that's exactly who you are. You're the God that says in the muck and mire of your whatever you're dealing with. I want you to know the ridiculousness of my love for you. I want you to know how prized you are to me and how how special you are to me that, you know, because I think in that moment for her, she's a feeling confused, and like she didn't know who she was, where she falls, and who am I? And she's asking all these questions. But I also think that she was probably dealing with a lot of shame. Because there was that whole feeling of like, well, I've messed up. And, you know, my parents are mad at me or whatever. And I'm like, Man, that's such the heart of Jesus, I wish more people could see that his heart, because it is never from a place of condemnation. It never comes from that place. And always know, as people visualize this man sitting up there, you know, with this big staff, like, ready to ready to punish. Mm hmm. And when we work from an appeasement type relationship with the Lord, I think we look through a lens that that that approves that, it'll, we'll we'll start to see it through that lens. And then we put the judgment on ourselves, put our judgment on other people anyway. And that's a whole other topic that I would love to chat about, too, at some point. But anyway, so that was the first thing I did. And I think it I think it softened her, you know, I think it made her feel safe. Like, okay, I'm in a safe environment to be vulnerable. Right? So then Michael and I came together and start praying. She says, love her. You just loved her where she's at? And not with doing anything, like taking her out of school, or you know what I mean? Like, like, there was no, yeah. And that's the hard, that's the hardest thing is loving them in the moment where they're at. But that's how God, that's how he treats us. He doesn't say, well, I'll love you once you arrive here. Well, once you clean up the mess here, once you once you start doing this, you know, no, we die for us. While we were still sinners, like while we were sinners, he loved us. And He gave His life for us. And so I think that's a good reminder for us as parents, but she because she had she hadn't really met good friends or anything. It was just kind of like that was the part of it. She was really hanging out with not the greatest people. And every person that she seemed to be surrounding herself with came from very, very broken homes and dysfunctional homes and abusive homes. And so they started treating Audrey as the outcast and the you can't relate to us and you have no idea what it's like because you have the perfect family and you're just in the perfect situation. So therefore you don't know what pain is. You don't know what suffering is. You don't know what hardship is. And so for her, she's like, I kind of felt like I had to, I had to be relevant. Like I had to. I had to wanted to fit in. Yeah, she's like a naval, I wanted to feel like so then she's like, maybe if I would cut myself, maybe if I started doing that kind of Oh, my gosh, she would be more accepted. Oh, my gosh, April, you just touched on something so big there. That's okay. And these kids? Yeah. Yeah. That's the question that they're asking at that age is, where do I fit in? Do I fit in the influence, the peer influence becomes way more important to them in those middle school years than parent parental influence does. So Michael, and I both felt like, Okay, we need to send her back to Austin and go remind herself, what good friends look like those safe people. Maybe she just needs a break to get away. And just, you know, that's who she felt like she wanted to go back to it. They were very connected in the arts department. They both felt you know, so they shared a lot of that. So we were like, Okay, this is clearly like both Michael and I feel this, we're hearing it from the Lord, we're, you know, we're doing the right thing. And then like, day two, she calls me crying and just like I'm miserable, I hate it. And this is I don't want to be here. And then I'm like, why this is so weird, Lord, why I thought for sure this is what you wanted, like this was you. And the next day, I think it was Amy Amy my she'll probably have a better timeframe. She Amy called me and she was like, my grandpa just passed. And she said Christie has offered to take Audrey, as my family just kind of goes through this and all that. Right. So I'm like, well, crap, that just screwed up the whole plan, like, you know, because like in my brain, I'm thinking that was where she was supposed to be. And that was the whole point was that she was going to be with their little girlfriend and right. I'm not thinking he's got something in store over a cruces place or that he's going to do some over there. And you've already planned it all out. I already know how it ain't going down the way it's supposed to go down. So anyway, I also knew part of why I didn't even reach out to Christie was because she does those summer camps, the sports camps at the FFR ranch during the summer and they're just crazy busy during that time. thing, but um, she called me and she goes, God wants me to have her. I should do it in her Twain that want koban that wants me to have her. Like, I need to have her. Okay, you're right. I know. And but she got kind of a hot sometimes she goes, Hi. He wasn't ours. So you were given to me and I'm like, Okay. I said, Well, what am I going to do? I didn't know, there can't do anything. Like, clearly, if that's what you're hearing from Him, then, you know, okay, I could do it. You know, she goes, You need to trust me. I don't want to, I don't want you checking in. You need to let him do whatever he wants to do in this. And I'm like, Okay. And she goes, I will. I will let you know. I'll check in periodically. I'll you know, she goes, but you just need to like trust, trust the plan. Trust what's happening here. I'm like, Okay, well, one of the first things she did was, well, she integrated Audrey into the camps, right? She put her kind of like, I'm gonna have her come in the camps. Well, she decided that to put her as a room mom for the the younger, like 12 year olds, which hold on, maybe they were younger than that, because how old was she? She was 1314 or something like that. So it was just barely a little bit younger. And I'm thinking in my head, dear Lord, she is the last person that should be in charge of a group of young girls right now. Right? Like praying over them and being in a because that on the ranch, they've got the brooms, they've got the different like, Okay, you're in charge charge of this six girls. And at night, you guys go into your devotionals. And you do pray bubble, blah. And I'm thinking, this is the absolute last person that should be doing this, you know, but I wasn't allowed to question anything. And so, but again, knowing the heart of Christ and knowing the heart of Jesus and knowing it's reminding Audrey who she really is, and the power of Christ inside of her. And that this is, these are the ways Audrey that like, This is who I call you, this is who I say you are and, and just the way he did it, and how he used a safe place where, you know, she was in charge of speaking into younger girls. And it was great and Oh, totally loved it. Well, I only got so that was that one check in. Okay. And then at the end of camp, so the bow hearts have this like Hill in there on their ranch that they put a cross up on. And they call it the hill of Golgotha. And at the end of every week of camp, they have the kids at the base of the camp and it's a pretty steep even for Texas steep incline to get to the top of that mountain. Um, so you they got like two by fours, each of them would get a two by four. And then they'd write out like, on the two by four, their struggles, their pain, they're just stuff they're dealing with. And then you put the two by four on the shoulders. And then when the leaders say go, they charge as fast and as hard as they can to get up to that cross. And meanwhile, they've got like, their people that are like screaming encouragement, and you can do it, you can do it, you know, and it's physically challenging. They, you and I both know that when you're pushed to a place physically, it's not just physical, like, when you are beat, you know, you and I both know, like, the mental stuff that's going on, while you're also pushing yourself beyond your limitations physically tap into something totally incredible. So clearly, these kids are all breaking down. They're all crying. And I always have a hard time getting past this part without crying because Christie called me and she's like, she broke and then she sent me the video of her. I can't watch it, Carrie, I can't watch it. Because it's just her just charging. I know we do, just charging this mountain with all of the stuff, right? Crying and in and then releasing it at the cross and just throwing it right. And, you know, I think that what God showed me through that experience is number one, his timing and how he does things is so much better. And it's so much more effective. And it's quicker. I mean, you know, we can go a long way. I still think God loves us enough to get us to his end goal. But what we're gonna do like it's like I think of this like Well, I'm gonna hold on we're gonna do this and this and this. I mean, I still think Audrey I trust him enough that Audrey would be Audrey today still, even if it didn't happen that way. But But I think that was my first like, whoa, was how incredibly effective and and just how he got to her and he got to her heart and he's spoke to her in the way he did in the fashion he did in the in the speed he did. Like it was like date, and she came home. And just, she just, I don't want to say obviously like she she didn't struggle anymore. I mean, we all we all do, we all have our own struggles. It was literally like she shed the demons that had overtaken her, you know, and she just was like, No, and God, and she just knew, and then all the things, all the gifts, all the stuff that God said, This is who you are, your art, your singing, your guitar playing, um, speaking into the lesser than or those that are kind of the underdogs. And to this day, she, God uses her for that, like, she's got several friends right now that are struggling with identity issues and struggling with fitting in and, you know, having broken homes and families and all that. And she just she has a heart for them. And God is using her. And he's using her in powerful ways and went through and she has a testimony and how she was released to that and how she can tell others. It's amazing. You and I both know mental health right now and what is going on with our kids and what they're dealing with is huge. And wanted to tell you which I was blown away. And this just proves how much our kids need this when they need us. They need tools to deal COVID Xover that I hate to tell everybody. The mental health blanket that has wiped over our country has not been lifted yet. Now isn't the problem wasn't COVID No, it just helped help help to come out and be recognizable because it was pressure that broke it. But I believe that when pressure breaks something it's ready to heal. So the other day, you know, I hate looking at numbers and all that stuff with podcasts. I do voiceover work. That's my full time job. I do my podcast for the service of the Lord. So it doesn't matter how many numbers it just does it. God's gonna make this thing go wherever he wants it to go. But it happened to be on this certain website that I had to be on for podcasts that looked at the back. I noticed that two days ago, my relax and release meditation. Were just like the other podcasts as far as the numbers of listening to Oh, okay, but, but two days ago, I had made these little videos to mark it on Twitter to mark it on tick tock. I never put it on tick tock before I tried that social media outlet yet to get the word out. For the podcast. I don't pay for advertising. I just I just get it out there on social media and word of mouth. And I don't know Tik Tok. The kids made me one a year ago. And so I pulled it out and I was like, Sophia, can you help me with this? So she uploads it? And I was like, Well, I only have eight followers. I'm sure six of them are tick tock. Can you repost it? And she was like, yeah, and she reposted it. And that episode is now three times bigger than any other episode that I have. No. Wow. Just by her posting it one time on her feet on Tik Tok. I went to Sofia. And I was like, What is this? And she was like, oh, yeah, Ray was telling me how much they loved it. Oh, my gosh. Okay, let me just say that was my target demographic. Even though I do have them and sure some will listen. Right. But it just proved its point to me even more how desperate your your kids are out there that need this and want to deal? Well, Carrie, I mean, the fact that Biden's all four of my kids, adult children are willing and wanting and anxious and excited about sitting down for two hours on Sunday to talk about this, and hear what the Lord said and be encouraged in the way that I think God wanted to encourage them proves that it is it is there is a hopelessness out there that I think especially our this generation needs to hear because I really believe this is the generation that is is going to be put through something insane. And I think that God's prepping them. I think he's preparing the hearts of them. But I sat there and I thought, Lord, these these kids of mine that you blessed me with, have parents who are willing to do this and sit down and we're guiding and we're you know, but I mean, you and I both know Carrie how many don't and they don't have it and they don't have the person that speaking into them or that's leading them back to what God says about who they really are and who and they're at this point in the game like whatever between four tene and 20 when they're adults, at that point, parents, I think tend to be like, well did our job they're in school now. And you know, and then it's not a judgment on them. But I think these are the years that they're really needing that reminder of Yo, what is purpose? What is your will? What is my why, why am I here? What's this all about? Why do I feel sadness? What do I do with that when I feel it, I think that there's, you know, our kids need to realize you're never going to fill this world is never going to give you and fill you that empty space inside of you. First of all, that space was put there and that scripture too and I have a written down I can share with it. But that empty space was put there by God. When you become a child of God, to to draw you to your eternal home, it's so long and grown for where you're really supposed to be. And that's so cool. And it changes perspective because then you can sort of go okay, I don't need to find it here. Like it's not like it's there's a thing I've got to find here. Now. I just get to like enjoy the pleasures and the fun and the play and the giftings and the creativity and all the things I don't have to try to achieve a goal that I'm going to somehow get here I don't have to try to find it. Now I just get to relax knowing it's it's it's it's Christ in me. It's the kingdom of God in me eternal glory with him. And meanwhile, I can just enjoy find pleasure in the things he's given me to enjoy.