Rich Tells All - Anger - Suicidal - Trauma - Overcoming the Unthinkable

Podcaster and Marine Veteran, Rich Bennett, shares for the first time how he overcame addiction, anger issues, depression and suicidal thoughts. Rich is a high profile podcaster that currently produces three podcasts:  Conversations with Rich Bennett, Life Time Oath and Hartford County Living. He has interviewed hundreds of people, from Emmy award winners, writers, singers, entrepreneurs and authors to Miss National USA 2022!  He has a passion to help those who suffer with anxiety and depression.  He has personally struggled with his own mental health issues, including suicidal thoughts.  For the first time, publicly, he shares details about his childhood and a terrifying encounter he experienced as a young adult.  He describes his feelings of anger and what he did to seek help. What will shock you, is his detailed account on a traumatic event that happened to him while in the military.  This event was the tipping point for Rich...and brought me to tears when hearing it.  Find out how this amazing man rose up from the depths of depression to find his life again and find forgiveness. For mental health resources, visit our website:  www.thechatterboxradio.com

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Recorded at the Freedom Federal Credit Union Studios

Chapters

• 12:24 Growing Up w/ Anger
• 30:55 The Traumatic Event
• 40:32 His Steps to Overcome

Transcript

Unknown: 0:01

Welcome to chatterbox radio. Sometimes things go your way. Sometimes they don't. Life, kids heaven. It's quite the journey. We hope you'll join us. Thanks, Sam. And be sure to check out this podcast on YouTube. Or contact us at podcast at the chatterbox radio.com. I'm so happy to have rich here today, rich Bennett. He's an amazing podcaster. And he's out off the east coast in Maryland. And he has a podcast called Conversations with rich Bennett. And I was so honored to meet him a few months back and we just connected are like relatives, we're pretty much convinced of that. Brother and sister we are we are we got to figure out that little family tree. And when he was interviewing me, and asking me questions, we could have talked all day long. And during that time that we talked, you know, I was opening up to him about our situation with mental illness and our family and all the things that we've gone through. And he opened up to me and told me that he has a story. And I was more than honored that he would even consider me someone that he just met and tell his story. And so I just want to thank you so much for coming. And I'm so happy that you all it's an it's an honor. And Carrie, it's great to see you again. I haven't gotten an interview from a male chair. I've had a couple of people that say they want to, but we haven't. And so I just think you're gonna bring such a great perspective and angle here that maybe I don't know. And I'm ready to learn something so well, I hope so. Yeah. So go I'm sorry. Go ahead. No, I was just wondering, like, I don't even know where to start. I don't even know what time of life This was for you. Like, it's it's weird. And now, here's the funny thing. And I told you this when I was when you were on my show. I've never talked, I've had a lot of people on my podcast, and we talked about your mental illness. And as I said, every time I've always talked about how I went through anxiety and depression, and I was suicidal. But I've never said why never. There's only maybe a handful of people that know of actually, you know why. So my wife, my daughter and my son, and I just told them last year. And then Jonathan scheck because John John was on a POC case of Ashley Easter. And John's from here, he's, he's from where I live. And he put a post out that he was going to be on a shoot live. It's like, Okay, I gotta watch this. So did I watch it? And he, you know, he was talking about his struggles and everything. And but what impressed me was actually, the way he actually just, I guess, talked to him and brought everything out. And so I emailed John right after that episode. And next thing I know, my phone's ringing. And it was him, which really shocked me. And we were on the phone for a while. And I told him sets you up for I haven't even told you every time I went to go tell my brother and sister. It's it hasn't been, I guess an appropriate time. Yeah. So but just I mean, just to give you some, I guess, backstory, so growing up, I mean, my family was great. Loved it, but as if any family you always have those traumatic times. So I remember. God, a lot of times my older brother and my father would get into fights. I mean, literally, fistfights outside and we would have to have your neighbors come over and break it up. But my brother would never hit my father back. Really? Yeah. He respected my father. He would never never hit my father back at least I never saw him hitting back. Yeah. So and I think probably one of the biggest things that I remember as a kid growing up I think I was 13 at the time. And a bunch of guys had brought my brother home. This was a he was in the Army briefly. So you He was 19. So he's older than you. Yes. Yeah. I have an older brother who, who was He was my idol. I always want brother to my other brothers younger. Okay. Child's Yeah. So it's my older brother T bone who passed away about six years ago. And then my sister then me and then my younger brother. But the one time if they're after my older brother T, I say T boned. His name is Terry, his nickname is T bam. He, him and his buddies were out. And we have these light poles in our neighborhood, and you can kick them and they will go out. And the story from what I understand, my brother decided to throw a beer bottle up at one. And it shattered and came down in his face and his buddies had brought him home. And I remember walking down the hallway, my brother laying at the top of the steps and my mother and father there and they're just you asked me about what happened or trying to call my brother down. And he yelled at me to get back into my bedroom and I looked at my brother's I was going gone. Got Yeah, it had to glassy come down and cut his eye. I mean, it was hanging but yeah. Okay. And the eyeball was out of his face. Yeah. Yeah. And he didn't know it. I don't know about because my parents. I mean, they told me get back into my bedroom. Oh, my goodness. Okay. Yeah. But it was just something that always stuck with me. But the funny thing is, it's funny how a horrible story like this can have. He, when he was in the hospital, he would call us and I would talk to him. You say Hey, man. I was like, yeah, he said, I said, How you doing? He said, Well, I need your opinion. It's like, why should I get a flag? Or tiger or what? I'm like, why? He so I gotta get a fee guy. I gotta get clear sash. I get one of a flag on it. So I mean, he knew I was upset. I mean, that's, that's what I sense. He knew I was upset. So he would always play around with it. Even when he got older and he's then his nickname became one eye. So So he, he only had one eye. He only had one. I really was just easygoing about that. Like he could joke about it with you. Oh, yeah. He still drove a tractor trailer. He drove a tractor trailer with one eye, everybody. I mean, he. He was phenomenal at what he could do. But yeah, he got the nickname one eye and and Popeye. But I remembered God, there's one when I was home from the Marine Corps one time we it was me and my buddy Suge. And we met my brother and his his friend, Igor, we all went to a bar. And we're sitting next to this guy, my brothers, my brothers sitting next to him. And the guys like, Hey, man, I could barely keep my eye on on your on my beer. My brother's like, yeah, no problem. And it was a mug. So when the guy came out, he's like, Thanks, man. My brother's like Yeah, sure. My My brother said like this was so he couldn't see my brother. When the guy came out of the bathroom. The guy picked up his mug it officer. You just heard it. He threw up. He lost my brother had took his eye and put it in his beer. Yeah. So, tiger, I know. You didn't make that. Your mom was like, Oh, hi. Oh, no. Oh, if he could have, she wouldn't mind. But yeah, he has. He would pull pranks like that. And it was. I'm never free now. And we you talked earlier about how I used to play or how I play Santa Claus. Yeah. And I do that to try and I know, I'll never be as good as it but I do it because my brother used to do it. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. And he stopped doing it because he broke his hip. And it was just it was hard on him. But my youngest son. We were doing an event and my brother was playing Santa Claus. So my son was maybe four or five, I guess. And he went up. And when he kept my son comes back to me. I said, Well, I said what do you think of Santa Claus? He said, That's not Santa. I'll see you this. He said, No, that's Titi kids always calling tt i said that Santa Claus. He said, No. Santa doesn't have a poke down. Hi. He can't fool me. Oh, yeah. Brother dad. He just he just said then he could pick up the name Santa bone. Yes, I mean, that was it but growing up that's something that that always stuck with me another time. God Remember the old pressure cookers, and my father is making? I think it was spaghetti in the pressure cooker. Yeah. I do it now in my instant pot, but yes, the stovetop pressure cooker. And he did he release the steam it. He opened it and it just exploded. I mean, his auras, chest and everything. Yeah, so I just little, I mean, it's weird. When I say little thing. It's a big thing. But things like that you remember and then, you know, punishment. We would always get punished if you do something wrong. We'll get a spanking. Yeah, you know. But there was one time that I got a punishment that was worse than I would have rather have gotten my ASB instead. Nobody was home and my father had this nice car he was working on it was a 66 Volvo S 1800. And it was in the driveway. And it had blocks behind it was a stick shift manual for those that are listening that are too young to know what a manual is that is now called an anti theft device on cars. But this little kid that lives next door came out I was outside and he pulled the blocks out from under the wheels and it rolled back into the street. So and nobody was home except for me. So I'm trying to push the thing up into the driveway and I couldn't get it over the curb. So I found the keys and decided to start it and pull it up into the driveway. And the garage door we have the garage and the garage doors open. And I'll I'm sitting there I'm trying to get it over the curb. I never drove a stick. I mean I was young. Yeah. How so? God, maybe 1314 I can't remember. Okay. I can't remember. But anyway, so just shy of getting a driver's license. Yeah. Which I was. Yeah, after this incident. I was not allowed to get one. Yeah. So I popped the clutch. Thanks again. And I get went right up over the curb and kept going. I want to hit the brake. But I wasn't hit the brake. I was hitting the clutch. Next he got no I'm in the garage. And I hit my father's workbench that stopped the car. I'm like, Oh, no shit. Well, it was easier to roll the car back out into the driveway. Which I did put the woodblocks underneath. I didn't say anything. No. So it was I remember I remember that summer we did not have a lot of rain. So my father did not have to cut the grass every week like normal. So he went out to cut the grass. And next thing I know he calls me my two brothers and my sister downstairs tells us all to have a seat. My father was gonna have a hint that you knew what was I had no idea what was going on yet. Oh, okay, so my father was like Ellery Queen, the detective. You know, my father was out there with his tape measure. Apparently I had put a nice size dent in the grill. Okay. And the reason he called us all in there he went to get the lumbar to cut the grass. Well, apparently I rode over the it was a push mower gas powered by periodically and hoovered and pushed the motor through the bottom. Oh, no. So he couldn't do that and there was a nice hole in his workbench. And he's asked us all what happened. Well, my brothers and my sister had no idea Yeah. Then I found out the worst part. Apparently I had knocked the the back wall of the house off the foundation by a foot because I hit I hit Workbench dead. Are you kidding? Oh, Edie so he's called on and he's like that he said that I said I don't know dad maybe lightning hit it. See I'm not fessing up at this point, though. But right then and there. He knew. Oh shit. We haven't had any rain there as a bit of a thunderstorm. So yeah, then I confessed and worst punishment I ever had. He did not talk to me for over a week. I wouldn't rather have gotten my ASP he did not talk to me for a week. Okay, for over a week. i You were gonna tell me he just went nuts on you because you're telling me how you're brought. He went nuts on your brother. So he decided to handle you different. Hey, yeah. And he was he was bizarre. It's a lot but no, this time he just he decided not to talk to me forever week and oh my god, I hated that hated it. That had to be terrible. It was it was. I say this a lot. emotional pain is a lot harder. Harder on you than physical pain. Yes, sir, I believe. But the funny thing is I got a new stereo out of what he called the insurance company put in a claim because of the fence, you know, knocking the back of the wall foundation. Yeah. And it just so happened that the guy that lived across the street from he had, he was had a four wheeler he had, I don't know some type of Jack where they were able to pull the back of the wall back onto the foundation and secure it. So my father, if he got it, he already had the insurance money and he bought me a new stereo. Because he felt bad for not talking to you. I guess I don't know. But then I told him later I said, Dad, I said I would rather you busted my ass. He said, I didn't want to bust your ass because I was so pissed. I was afraid I would kill you. Right? At least he knew his limit. I mean, some people. Yeah. So it was I mean, and I had a short temper growing up to. I mean, at one point, my little brother did something to me. I don't know what it was. But I had him down to bid strangle and my mother came in, and she yanked me off because my brother was turning blue. There was another time my sister was watching us and I had remembered the movie walking tall. Now I don't I don't recall that one. There was a movie called Walking Tall and the sheriff Buford T poseur had a big and I'm not talking about the one for the rock not to remake the original. He had a wood staff that was made out of Lucas wood. It was Lucas wood, which is heavy duty wood, and he that's what he always carried, and that's what he would use. So I had and my sister did something a she I went after her this stick and with my walking tall stick, I called it. She shut her door. Because my parents weren't home. I looked like Jack Nicholson from The Shining, I am beating on her door putting holes in I was ready to kill her. And my parents pulled up in the driveway and she's climbing out the window to top the second floor window. She was gonna jump there to get away from me and yeah, I got my SP for that. But it's just I don't know, the anger issues. I don't know. Honestly, I think that may have been hereditary. Oh, for sure. Yeah, cuz I know I'm an environmental. Yeah, my father definitely had anger issues. Do you feel like you had anger issues? Oh, I did. Absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, I'm doing that to my sister and my younger brother. My older brother T bone. He had a pet rabbit at one time. And I remember as a kid, I was holding the rabbit and the rabbit hit me and I threw it against the wall broke its neck. And when my brother found out I had an old air pop rifle the not the issue, Bibi's it was just air. Yeah. And I grabbed the by the barrel and swung it and cracked him in the forehead with the butt of it. So yeah, I definitely. I definitely had anger issues. And which got worse over over time. Now, I'm able to control and it's, I feel bad because there are times like with my daughter. She had done something and I just, I never hit her. But I would just start yelling, then I would walk away, calm down, and then go back and apologize. But when I went in the Marine Corps, that really I mean, you you had to be angry. You had to have that use factor. Yeah. Maverick is when I got him for boot camp. I'll never forget my best friend who lives across the street. He and I were wrestling around. He made contact with me. And next thing I know, it's like I blacked out or whatever. But I just heard him like, gargling gurgling. Really for air. I had my mouth clamped on his throat. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So do you feel like you've you can recall getting pushed to that point. it several times during throughout your life and you 10 I don't know if it was from being because I was bullied as a kid by some people, mainly because my older brother, and nobody bullied my older brother, my older brother, more or less. Everybody knew him. They knew you did not mess around with him. Yeah, I think that's why I was bullied at times. Because, because they knew they couldn't do it with him. And oh, look, it's Terry Bennett's brother. Yeah, we're mad at him. So we'll just beat up his little brother, I can see that. Um, so as I mean, as far as the anger issues came from, I don't really remember old neighbors of ours, we're down in the sand pits. And to me, this may have been where it came from, because I don't remember ever been angry until this happy because I think this may have happened before I tried to strangle my younger brother, when after my sister, the, by the river, there was all these dirt mounds because they were doing construction there. And it was me my younger brother and two other guys, when we were down there playing it for some reason that one guy picked up a big rock and threw it and hit my younger brother in the head. And I I don't remember if I checked on my younger brother, and I just went after the kid and he took off running. And I chased him for block. And then of course, he ran into his house. But I don't know if that's where it came from. Or what I just, it's hard to tell. Sometimes, you know, when we fight we have those struggles. And we're working through it our lives or whatever. Was there like a breaking point that something happened that made you just go Wait, what what is happening here and be more self aware or even notice this because you know, there are a lot of people that say would have something the same as you as far as the way they grew up, or their DNA or their environment. And they're never aware to it, they still walk around with this wall or denial or justification. I think what stopped me at times was fear. Not fear of hurt and somebody fear of my older brother, or my father hurting me for doing something wrong. Because that's I mean, we were brought up number one, you don't you don't take shit from anybody. But we were also told that you never hit a woman. And as an adult, you never hit a kid. And if you see somebody hitting a woman, you jump in there and you beat that guys as I mean, that's just that's the way we were brought up. It don't you just I don't know, I don't really know. Other than that, I think it had to be fear. Fear of my brother or my older brother or my father or even my mother. You know, cuz it's funny. My a lot of people were afraid of my father growing up and my father was short. But he was a Navy frogmen seal. So they knew he didn't mess with him. But my mother was taller. And there were times where my father would try to sneak into the house late at night coming home late from work because he stopped in the bars drunk and my mother cracked him in the head with a frying pan. Because he tried to sneak in. She know it was him. Yeah, like, Oh, I thought you have a robber. There is another time he got my father, he got jumped by a bunch of truckers, I believe. And he was I think laying in the hospital or whatever with a broken news. And my mother is holding the ice pack on it. And she asked him what happened. And he said something, which I guess wasn't the truth. And my mother took that ice pack and when I am slammed and Dan slammed to download the news again and say You better tell me the damn truth. So it was there. I mean, your family was very physical. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Without without a doubt, without a doubt. And it's but the thing is growing up I didn't really I got into a couple of fights. But I wasn't a bully. You know, I really wasn't looking because I was told you only fight. If you if you're gonna fight. You better have a good reason to fight. So like if a guy's hit a girl yeah, that's if somebody's picking on somebody in your family or friend. Yeah, if they're not picking on them, but if they're Hitting them. Or so? Yeah, whatever. If somebody's trying to break into something that's yours or take something that's yours. That was it. But it was always just anger issues then. Yeah. And then it wasn't when I got older. That's when the anxiety and depression and suicidal thoughts happen. What age was that? Probably 1999. The military then I was in the Marine Corps. Yeah. Well, yeah. And when I. So when I went into the Marine Corps, I quit school, my senior year, I was 17. And because I was playing in a band, I was gonna be a rock star. That was always my dream. Then, of course, I got kicked out of the band. So I decided that I was going to go into the Navy, because that's what my father did. So when that my parents took me up there because I couldn't I could not get my license because of the car. It's really? Oh, yeah. Yep. They would not allow me to get my license. I didn't get my license until I was in the Marine Corps. And they were like, because you did that. You're not getting your driver's license. I was 18. And had to go get it on my own. Wow. Yeah. But then my, my I went to to take the test for the Navy. Everything was good. And then I was supposed to get back later to pick up the papers back then you could bring the papers home and have your parents signed, which is weird as hell. So that was the deal. I was gonna bring in the papers, my parents are going to sign and then I would go off to basic training because they had to sign because I was 17. So I had a friend of mine. And it made it because my we had I think we only had one car. My father worked at Bethlem steel. So he was always working. So I had a friend of mine who was in the Marine Corps at the time. And he said he would take me up to the recruiters office to get the papers. And thank you, John trophy, by the way. So he said, he said, I got to introduce you to somebody. And he introduced me to the Marine Corps recruiter. And next thing I know, I'm coming home with papers to join the Marine Corps. And my father refused to sign he went off. Oh, boy, never make it in a damn Marine Corps. What are you? Excuse me? Are you stupid or something? You'll never make it. I mean, he wouldn't. He would not sign he refused. So June 19. I turned 18. June 21. I was on my way to Parris Island. Yeah, yeah. The funny thing is, that's probably one of the greatest life lessons My father always taught me. What's that? told me that I couldn't do it. My dad used to say things like that all the time. And I'm like, oh, yeah, watch me. That's what I did. That's what I did buy it on. When I was down there. I think that's when the anxiety hit. Because I've never been away from my family. Or friends either. Yeah. And you couldn't call? I think you were allowed one phone call when you first got there. And then when you were little assume they would tell you what to write. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's but you know, honestly, I would do Marine Corps boot camp all over again. I after what it taught me, I would do it all over again, especially if you learned discipline, respect. I went in I was 150 pounds string bean. I got out I was 210 pounds. The solid. The not not really muscular, but solid. Of course now I'm a lot heavier, but I think that's really when the anxiety started. Because I hate it. I didn't like being away from everybody. Yeah. And when I got Yeah, and when I came home after bootcamp, oh my god because I was I was home for a week or two I can't remember. And my parents as my parents and my sister came down for graduation. Keep in mind I never graduated from high school. And I'll never forget this has made me so proud because my older brother T bone. He never made a pass ninth grade. My sister was the first one to graduate high school and went to college but she never finished college. And my younger brother graduated from high school with college but I don't believe he finished college either. But my mother said that is the most impressive graduation she has ever seen. more impressive than any high school or college graduation. Yeah, that just that gave me some much pride. Your dad proud you? Oh, you made he was he was but he always said, always said that the Marine Corps brainwashed me. Well, no shit. That's what Come on dad. He he was and I found out later that my grandfather was very proud of me. But my grandfather never told me that, because Oh, my father should I don't know. That's just how those old people those school people are. Yeah, Dad didn't tell me let me tell was 18 Yeah, so it was it. It was. It was pretty cool to feel that to hear that. But then I was I think I was home only for we heard maybe in a week. And then I had to go out to California for infantry school training. As they they basically back in everybody you met in boot camp, chances are you weren't going to see them wherever you went to. Yeah, so it was like starting all over again. You feel like it got worse when you went to California, like the depression and something happened in California. And that's when it got worse. So they always warned us if you go into town to go with somebody else always go in pairs. And I didn't like a dumbass. And this is what I had told my, my wife and my daughter my son had stopped told my sister and brother yet make a long story short, I had ended up at a house in I believe it was Laguna Hills. And I don't know if I was drugged or what I had to be you if you don't remember it. Yeah. And you know, there is a big difference between the having too many cocktails not remembering and getting slipped something. Yeah, because the only thing I remember was laying in a bed like paralyzed. And I was being sexually assaulted by a guy. And I there's a lot of it. I don't remember no penetration, thank God, but I felt helpless because I couldn't move it as I said they had had to give me something I keep saying that. He had to give me something as sweet, baby child, man at that time. I am 18 years old. So fucking sorry about that. That is such bullshit. It is. I I just I remember. Next thing I remember I was at the front gate of beach. But I never told anybody about it. And I think it was from that moment where it it's as if I was searching for something. Because I knew I knew I wasn't gay. But it's a and I was at this time, believe it or not 18 years old. And I never had sex with a woman yet, either. And I My God, that makes me even more like ratio like raging pests that someone would do that to 18 year old boy. Well, it just all the stuff that happened afterwards. And I after doing these podcasts or talking to these people that have been going through stuff I started I go back and I and I never talked to a therapist never have never have but just reflecting on everything. And that's when it hit me like that had to be the cause of my anxiety and depression because I was searching for something. And when I got out of the Marine Corps because I did four years active two years inactive was strange. Even when I was in the Marine Corps drinking a lot. I would go to the bottle to deal with I just yeah, just drink. You know, and my buddies didn't even now and I will get drunk, you know stupid drunk. Which party out a good thing to do. You know? Do that. Yeah. And even when we were in Okinawa, Japan, Japan, you know, all my buddies are like, Oh, come on, man, we'll go pick a prostitute and all this. I'm like, Nah, I'm good. So I did. I just, I didn't want to then got back to the States. Medical girl, I was still in the Marine Corps got engaged it. And I mean, crazy. I was engaged five times four or five times. Really? Yeah. And I've only been married once. Yeah, yeah. Now my son was from a previous girlfriend, we were supposed to get married. Which in all actuality, that's the last time that I took the gun to myself and contemplated killing myself. Because she, we had our son. He was still baby. And she said that. She thought best that we see other people if we had the marriage license and everything, and she came out saw me with the rifle. And so yeah. I just told her I was cleaning it. She knew otherwise. Yeah, she took it. She took the rifle from me. And then the other time again was over girl. And I could, it was only two times where I had the rifle app at any time that I was going through depression. Whether it's ready to beat some bodies, some guys asked because he was taken out by he went out with my girlfriend. You know, I would always call my older brother. And it was my older brother. He was my idol. He's the one that could always control me. But the the worst part about it is when I got out of the Marine Corps, I started working in the nightclubs. And I became a whoremonger. And an actual warm up. I mean, I just say I was still trying to figure it out. I guess why that happened to me, California. And Utah. I get about it. Yeah, the same time. So I just even while I was engaged in one girl, here I am having sex with other women. This year engaged? Yeah, I've just see now that Oh, yeah. That's why we broke up the engagement. Right? One of the engagements, right? I was just I don't know if I was, it seems stupid to say I was looking for myself. But in actuality, I think that's what I was doing. I think you were looking for answers. Yeah. That's why you're looking. If they had the answers, you wouldn't be looking so hard. But even working, working in the nightclubs as a DJ, I mean, and I was constantly drinking, then started doing cocaine. And everything and it was it was an escape. But when I used to get depressed was you know if I was with a girl for a while, and then we break up the depression just hit because I, I had me wonder is like, what did I know? Where are they? Am I not worthy of love? Why am I feeling so hated and abused? Right. But the best friends you got? Yeah, my best friends? Which guys? Yeah, they didn't do any of that. Somebody she was just like, oh, wait a minute. Am I gay? But I've been feel like an attraction tool. So it's like, no, I'm not. I just it was it was weird. And I hope that never happens to somebody. But it just it was weird. What helps you get through that time? Like you've contemplated suicide a couple of times. My brother, my older brother is my older brother. In all honesty, he's he was my out. He's the one I could always talk to. But he didn't know that. He never knew I was sexually assaulted. So you couldn't even tell him. And it sounds like he was your best friend. Yeah, I was afraid to tell him because I figured if I would, if I told him that he'd be like, Ah, man, you're you're gay or the shit. I just read as well. I thought that I knew he wouldn't say that. But that's what I thought. Yeah, so I guess there's another fear. Yeah, fear. airfare Right, yeah. And then it was later than the anxiety, oh my god that panic attacks. And I think the worst. The last time I had a panic attack was six years ago I guess a good friend of mine who we went, we went to elementary school together, he went into the Marine Corps after me and then he became a sheriff's deputy. And him and another deputy were both killed up here the same day. And that was the last time I had a bad panic attack. And the anxiety was like, I didn't want to go outside. I didn't want to go into a restaurant or anything because it's where he was shot in the head in a restaurant at Panera Bread. Wow. Then, in all honesty, what really helped me. I saw the documentary movie or whatever called The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. And watch that and then got the book and read it and read it. That helped me a lot. Even when my mother, when my mother, we found that my mother got cancer. Yeah, and faith. Faith was another thing. I started praying to God all the time. Had Do you? Did you always have faith? Like, did your parents provide you education of faith or church revival? Yeah, we went to church all the time. Um, but I think as a kid, you really don't? I don't know. I think as a kid, sometimes you really don't understand what faith really is. Yeah. And even in the Marine Corps, you know, we had church and everything, but I never really fully Do you feel like you had that. Like, whenever you started praying, like you were saying, Do you feel like you knew where to go? Or? Well, there must be a God or was it like you knew that you could pray and go there? I didn't know. I was hoping. Okay. What? What helped me gained more faith in all honesty, when? Back in 2000. My wife and I, we got married in 97. On for 20 of all days. April 28. We had no idea what 420 was. I found out after I did it. I think she may have but I didn't do that on purpose. I don't know. I don't know. My kids ask. We'll ask her. Well, Mom, why don't you marry dad shoes because I was drunk. That we um, so in 2000 We were expecting our first daughter, and June 23 of 2000. We lost her she was stillborn. And I was angry at God. And that's I it's almost like the little bit of faith that I had that I was relying on went out the window. And of course right away I called my big brother up and he came to the hospital. met me there and oh my god. You talk about mad. Praying brand new hospital wing. It was a new woman's hospital wing and in the waiting room, new cabinets. He punched holes in the cabinets. I've never seen anybody do this but the no parking signs. He literally ripped one right out of the ground concrete and all you're kidding. No. He he was he he was pissed. He he was angry. And I think and at the time too. My parents were divorced. My father is living in Florida, a mother up here. And my father came up and that's what renewed my faith. I said to myself Alright, let me backtrack here. So we were able to hold our daughter and my mother had came in she had a angel on a it was on a little music box. Two songs can be played and will always bring tears to my eyes. Taps, an amazing grease. And this box pleat Amazing Grace. Yeah. And now unfortunately the box, the box fell off the angel. I no longer have that. But I still I was able to put that angel in my daughter's hand. I mean, she was still born. So there was no but I wrapped her hand around. Yeah, I keep that angel was her name. It was your daughter's name, Margaret. Margaret, Mary. But I keep that angel on my bed stand. And I pick it up. I pray to it every night. I hold that. And I put my hand on the Bible and I say a prayer. I thank God every day, I don't ask him, I thank him. And then when I wake up in the morning, I do the same thing. But my parents, my father came up and that brought and at the time older brother wasn't talking to a lot of people in the family that brought everybody back together. And I just remember in the secret reading that book, it's like you got to look at you got to look at the positive things, not the negative things. Why did this happen? And I decided it happened because Maggie we that's what we call our daughter, Maggie wanted the family back together. And to this day, I swear she is my guardian angel and sits and watches over me. But the that helped renew my faith. And now is later that when my buddy Pat Daly was killed. But I mean, the anxiety was paid, but I didn't lose faith. So it felt a sweat. You felt a change? Yeah. Yeah, that's good. No, not good. I was just wondering like, did that continue a faith? You could just tell a change in sigh like advice for them now on? Or did you also start to become closer to have a closer relationship or go to church or read the Bible or notice? Now, here's, here's the weird thing. I while I was going to church for for a while. I'm not Catholic, but I was going to a Catholic church. And I stopped going because it's I went into church one day in the historic football season two. And the father made me laugh and cry in the same minute. All right, no, because the father was upset and said something about Pete, you when you come to church, you dress nicely, basically said not wearing jeans in New Jersey. And my first thought was, okay, cares. Jesus was right. Are you going to turn a homeless person away? Right. And that turned me off from going to church. Now keep in mind, I was already I love Joel Osteen. I was always always watching Joe's a lot. And I like not Freddie Prince Philip Prince. So I was I was watching them. And like that a friend of mine that actually used to, obviously his manager, when I was in the IT field, and he actually quit and went to Ohio, I forget the name of the college up there to became become a minister. It was became a minister zoom church. But it was too far for me to drive. So he was streaming his services. And that was my church. I would watch that. Yeah, every Sunday morning, I was down here in front of my computer, watching his services, you know. And the one thing I keep wanting to do, and I haven't done it since I, since I was a kid is Bible study. I've never done that. Now I read like the you know, I'll read parts of the Bible. I'll read, you know, guidepost, and all these different things. But I am constantly, constantly praying. Even. And I tell my daughter this all the time, too, because every time I eat something, I don't care if it's a candy bar. Yeah, so grace. I love that. I just do. I mean, that's. That's my belief, and I became an ordained minister. Yeah. Oh, I've only done one wedding and said, I'll never do that again. I don't think I did it mainly to I guess help with my faith. Yeah. I'm blown away by you. Richie Rich. Sale. Are you selling my daughter or my sister in law that she's told me that Richie Rich So what kind of what would you say to somebody that was listening to this that? is either having suicidal thoughts or know someone who is having those thoughts or went through something like you did? What would you say to them? If they're having suicidal thoughts, first of all, obviously, get a hold of somebody talk to somebody. Yeah, thank God for podcast, because you're hearing more and more people talk about it. Yeah, that's right. And I think when more people talk, which is why I decided to, you know, come on your show and talk about it. Because I think if more people are able to do that, it's going to help other people. So I would say, first of all, get help. Whether it be like I did, you know, reading the book and finding your faith helped me. Some people they need a therapist. Some people need drugs. I really, I mean, granted, yes. Even though I was doing cocaine and marijuana back in the day, nowadays, I gotta be in on the brink of tears and pain before I even pop a Motrin. Yeah, you know, I just don't. I don't like drugs. The, it's like, there's too many side effects. You take. I'm sorry, but why are you going to take medicine to help prevent a stroke, but it could prevent a stroke? Why are you going to take medicine that will help with your mental illness but may cause suicidal tendencies? Yeah, I mean, it just, it's so contradictory is yes. And I've been looking more into I guess you could say like the holistic health and all I you know, I love the essential oils. I loved my tea. Oh, yeah. You know, herbal tea. I have a weighted blanket. I don't know if you've ever heard of a way to my daughter's got one. She loves it. They haven't sent from heaven. I didn't even know existed four years ago. Way to play get tea, meditation music. That's another thing that in all honesty, that helped me out a lot was a meditation because and I think I told you before when you were on my podcast, when I went to anxiety, another time when it was bid, I was at 300 pounds. And we're, you're overweight, you can't even bend over and see your toes. That that emotionally that hurts. Yeah. It makes you more depressed as you're backfills you. And then when I started doing the DDP yoga, oh my god, I lost 50 pounds and made me feel completely different. Made me feel a lot better again. Now I got you know, after seeing it playing Santa, it's always a hard time because you gotta love it. We have some of that part. Yeah. Beef up for that. Game Day season start let's get Santa. You know, skinny Santa is around here. I think this year I only put on No, I did put on 10 pounds. I got closer to 70 again. Yeah, it's like, yeah, but 10 pounds on a dude. Like, y'all could just like not eat for one day and you lose 20 pounds. Women it's like I swear we have the funny thing is weighed it. Whether you're a man or a woman when you do that died the first time. Most of that weight you lose his waterway. Yeah. But when you gain it back a lot of it's not waterways. Yeah. So it takes longer than you lose again. You know, and I was feel guilty. I look at you now like you're you last way you have energy that like, oh, three different podcasts going on. You've interviewed so many amazing people. You have blessed so many people by your just beautiful spirit, no factious energy that you have like, if you would have taken your life, my brother, look, what of all that you would have missed, and everybody else would have missed out on. Well, you know, and we've talked about that on some of the episodes because I think a lot of people like you people that are addicted, especially the heroin. It's not really the heroin that kills him. It's the fentanyl now, what sad thing is, if they OD and live, they want something stronger. But when you're thinking suicide, you're contemplating suicide and you're thinking and I I believe that if you're on heroin, it's basically a slow road to suicide, sometimes a faster to suicide. Because you're not in the right mindset. You If you don't care if you live or not, right, you're not thinking about how it's going to affect your family and friends. And I met one of my cousin's committed suicide, and I saw what it did to the family. Yeah. And it's just now I've seen too many, too many people, too many friends that have gone through it that have Odede that have died. I mean, growing up, I mean, just three of my childhood friends that we grew up together are no longer here. You know, one was shot in the head, the other one bad car accident. And the other one died in asleep. Yeah, but and then of course, package. It's just, it's, it's hard. But you have to, you always have to look at why did it happen? What is God's plan? You know, and I know a lot of people don't like to Yeah. And I know a lot of people don't like to hear that. You're like, if you're like, well, we lost our first daughter, you know, some people that have been through that will be surprised to God and like, well, I don't understand why would that be his plant? Why would he take a life. And here's, here's something that another thing that helped me when I read Tuesdays with maurey, which is based on a true story, I read that, okay. Remember, he said, You don't know how to live until you learn how to die. And that always resonated with me. And if the reading that, and I, and I'll never forget this because I, my mother had cancer, I gave her the book to read, if I was done reading it, and that book got passed around and helped a lot. My mother went into remission. And then first time, I yelled at my mother, too, because she went into remission started smoking again. And I laid into her boy, yeah. But here's, here's just to show you how my faith is. But both of my parents, when they were dying, they were on home hospice, and my sisters. So we were able to go over there and spend time with them. And at first, I feel guilty for doing this. But then, as I was doing it, I realized I shouldn't feel guilty. My parents, they went on a cruise when my father was sick. And I've always told about one of the crucifix. I've never had a crucifix. So they got me a crucifix from somewhere, or rubella. I don't know. And my mother was upset because she never got a chance to get it blessed. As a mom, let's say you don't need to get it blessed. I said, I believe I said it. If I'm holding it, and I'm praying to him. You're blessed. I'm blessed. Right? I don't need it. Yeah. So, but I'll never forget the one night, I met my sisters, and I'm laying on the sofa in the other bed and we knew was just a matter of time before my mother passed. And I just I'm holding on to the crucifix and I'm praying to God to take her. So she doesn't suffer anymore to let her start living. So I always thought Why didn't always think after I started reading books and everything. I believe that we are like a shell here and you don't start living until you die. Because I believe once you get up there, there, there is no pain. There is no racism. There's not it's all butterflies, and we're all looking for that right now. And that. And I think it was the next day that my mother had had passed. But I knew she wasn't in pain anymore. Yeah, like when my when my older brother passed, it'll be March 24 will be six years. He was he was in the hospital and I'm sitting outside of the hospital. I'm just bawling. I'm ballin, but I knew my brother was in a lot of pain. Yeah, because of the broken hip and everything. And when he passed, it was weird. It was if I felt like a ton of bricks were lifted off my shoulders. As if he was telling me, he gave me good. He's fine. Yeah. The weird thing was that the night before he passed, he caught now let me backtrack a bit. My older brother was diagnosed with diabetes and He called me up and told me he was upset and I thought, you'll be fine. You'll be able to, you know, just watch your diet, do whatever the doctor tells you that my sister was died news of. But then my younger brother found out he was diabetic. He called my older brother up that night before my brother passed. And he's talking to He's amazing. I don't know what to do about it. He just told me I got diabetes. And my brother Tony said, you just need to, same thing I told my brother, basically, watch your diet, do what the doctor tells you. And the conversation was going on. And then my older brother, I don't even know how it came up. But my older brother told my younger brother say, Shawn, if I pass away tomorrow, I'd be okay with that. It says if he knew he was weird, it's short enough. The next day. I believe he had a stroke in his car. No, in his truck. And luckily, he wasn't driving. He went he drove down to the mailbox. And yeah, that's what happened. How a younger brother hard. And he got to tell him that. Yeah, the fact that he told him that I had to give you both such peace that he was okay with that. Well, I didn't know that until after he died. That's what my brother younger brother told me. Yeah, but yeah, I I just in all honesty, I wish because at the time, him and my sister weren't talking, I wish they were would have been talking but you know, things. Things are what they are. So, you know, you, I do believe that when it's my sister's time, they'll be up there talking. Or they may be talking now. I don't say, as there are times in my one studio when I record in person. I've had two people tell me they sent somebody there. Yeah. And they, first of all, is it kidding? They're like, No, it's an older adult. That's like, Yeah, okay. Because my brother, you know, it probably him. I said, somebody slashed me on the back of the head that I know it's him. Oh, my god. That's so funny. You just said that. He would do it too. That is really funny. Why do you just feel something on the back of your head? Because last night after I was praying, I was sitting there and all of a sudden went like this. And I was like, because my husband's out of town. Right? Everybody was asleep. I was having my quiet time. It's 11 o'clock at night last night. And I'm having some peaceful time. And I'm meditating about today and just praying, you know, Lord, just direct my steps. And I'm sitting there like this. And all of a sudden, my head was like, somebody hit my head well, and I sat there for a second. And I was like, it's somebody in here. Like, I thought, I thought to myself, I think majors down here because I had the lights off. And I'm like, I bet he wants to sleep in my bed. That's how much I thought someone knocked me in the head last night. Wow. And then I sat there and I was like, I wonder if it was an angel. Could have been and then you just said that. And I was just like, Oh my gosh. Oh, the other thing that happened last night, that was crazy. We have a cooking range in our stove, right. And there's buttons there's like auto there's like high for the fan. There's like all like 10 buttons up at the top and then the off button and a light button. My daughter comes in who's she's 18 years old and she's like I can't it's won't turn off. It's just on I keep pressing the button and I press a button and the light would turn on and not the fan and I would turn the light and then the fan would turn on and then all of a sudden it started doing all of it and I'm like this thing we got to get it looked at and we couldn't get it to stop and it was really loud and my son was upstairs trying to sleep and I was like dang it I really needed to stop and it looked at Sophia and ago and the name of Jesus stop and it went whoa no way stop and she looked at me and I was like give me five girl power Jesus right there. Wow Am I saying that? I don't know what I'm saying. I'm not claiming anything. I'm just telling you the facts that's all I'm doing. Wow. Wow. So you know maybe your Jesus brought in your brother last night know that you were going to be coming in. There are times where I'll you know when I because I bought my parents house where we all grew up. So there's times my wife has noticed is my son whenever he comes over and even my daughter that we tend to be like, okay, he's that grumpy. That's what they call my father or TT here because they would smell. They could smell them because they boost smoke cigarettes. Yeah, but you could Tell my father did the winch, the little Winchester cigars, which is a different smell than regular cigarettes? Yeah. So you could tell even where I record at times, you know, I go in there and I could smell is like, Hey, he's here with me. Yeah. So we've experienced that Adam's mom passed away when we were dating years and years ago. And she was a smoker. And every now and again, like, one of my kids will be standing in front of the refrigerator. And no one has ever smoked a cigarette in this house. And none of our neighbors do, because I've even thought, yeah, it's gonna be through the bed. Just when you drive by and it just the wind just happened. Where our refrigerator is, there's no vent around it at all. Like they open it in there like to smell in it. It's like the same marbleized cigarettes that she used to smoke. Oh, God. Wild, isn't it? puts you at ease? I believe does it really does. I believe it does. I think that we're given these certain sweet moments just to give us just that. Say hi, we love you. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna make every honor. We gonna be together one day. There's a lot of times my daughter will say, Chris, did you guys hear something last night? I'll be like, yeah, it's probably Tebow or grumpy. Yeah, exactly. Well tell them they need to sleep. Yeah. So I can't thank you enough for coming on and sharing all this. Like, I just want you to know, when we get off. I'm gonna go lay on my bed, and I'm gonna cry my eyeballs out, like you touched me. Because your story is so amazing. And you have such a sweet spirits. And it angers me that happened to you, that happened to you, angers me that there are people out there that hurt other people like that. Take advantage of them, and they don't care. That's the devil that is evil that Satan. And when I told because the first I told was, Well, Jonathan sugar and it was, in all honesty, if, if John didn't call me, I wouldn't have, I probably wouldn't have told my wife and my daughter and my son. Really, he told me he said, rich, you need to tell them, tell them first. She said, It's good to help you. So I gotta say, I got to thank John for that. But when I when I talked to him, I was cried, talked to my wife and daughter. And, you know, I was crying. And my son, I cried, but not as much. Now, after telling it, it's like, you're, I guess you bring your you're bringing the light to the screen? Yeah. It's like I always said, you know, you have to see the good out of that is me telling my story, too, and hoping that it helps other people as well. And I heard that your people, they need to talk about it. If there's problems, you find help, talk, talk to if you don't want to go to a therapist, then just talk to somebody. Because when you try Oh my God, when I told, you know, my wife and my daughter, and my son even tells John it just the relief was honor. Yeah. And now we're going to turn it in to helping people and making it for good. Guy with my co host here this. I know we're gonna get to that. Why would you be like, well, how come you never put that up on any of the episodes? Because the podcast isn't about me. It's about my guest. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. So it was the right time. Yeah. All of it's about timing. Synergy, which is that right? Synergy? Tech? Yeah. Yeah. With you. That's why it's like, Okay, I'll take care. You know. So, thank you so much. Thank Thank you. Because like I said, You're You're the first first one that you know, paquets I've talked to Yeah. You're brave. You're so brave. I know. God's gonna bless you beyond measure for that one. Because you were really laying it out on the line and putting yourself out there. It just it. It helps in talking to all these other people on my podcast. I think maybe a lot easier to yeah, as you see that you're not alone. Everybody's going through things. Yes, people worse off than me. That's right. They can tell their stories. That why can't i That's right. So yeah, man. Seriously. Thank thank. Thank you. So yeah, well, before we get off and I stopped recording, I'd like to pray with you. If that's okay. Yes, absolutely. Awesome. Your Father God, Holy Spirit. I just can't thank you enough for being yet with Rich and I right now, to having our paths crossed the way that they did was miraculous. And I know that's from you. And I know that you work in so many different ways. And one of those ways was for him to share his story. I am blown away, I'm blown away by him. His strength is courage to come here and be able to lay it out all on the line. I pray for our voices and the words that we've said and the recording that we made today, I ask that you take this message, and you deliver it right to the person that needs to hear it. I pray that you bless them. I pray that you save lives. I pray that you heal the mentally ill, I pray that you step in and give them a miracle that they can explain it only give you credit, just like rich, a thank you for him, I ask that you cover him, his beautiful wife, his children, his extended family, that you will bless him beyond measure today. And that you will just straighten out his paths even more, carve out a even bigger path for him that he even thinks that he has. I can't wait to see what you're gonna do, and his career and his life and his relationships. And I just thank you for him and for that. And Jesus Christ holy name, amen. Amen.